So, it's been a hell of a week. On Monday we got to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. It was an incredible, tear-filled happy moment. The next day we visited a local birthing center to check it out and see if it would be a good match. Thus began the rollercoaster of emotion that was week eight.
We were taken on a tour of the birthing center, in all its glory. It was a wonderland of prenatal yoga, birthing tubs, and magic rainbow vaginas. In short, everything I hoped it would be. After finding out that it would also be an incredibly economic choice for us compared to hospital birth, I was sold.
What I didn't realize, was that they were not yet sold on me. For various reasons, mostly to do with my weight and my history of a certain disorder that must, for the sake of privacy go unnamed, I was put through the ringer by one of the center's midwives before she begrudgingly decided to "give me a shot" and let me be part of their precious natural vagina club.
It didn't feel great to be judged (unfairly and ignorantly I might add) for a disorder that has nothing to do with pregnancy. Nor was it very healthy for my mental state to be made to feel that my body was inadequate for an ideal birth. Having been through two years of infertility, I had enough feelings of inadequacy on my own.
So, I cried, a lot. I cried on and off for the next day or so. I felt bad about myself, and I felt sad for the world that people could be so ignorant and judgemental, even when they are placed as caregivers. Mostly I felt disapointed. I had hoped that the birthing center would be a place of support and acceptance for me. It hurt to be wrong.
After talking it out with my therapist I decided to consider giving the center a shot despite the rough start. After all, it had so much to offer, and there was no reason to think that every caregiver there would have the same attitude toward my body and my medical history. Maybe I could find some support and accpetance there after all, if I gave it a chance.
I had pretty much gotten over it by Friday, but that morning brought a new kind of trouble. I woke up feeling fine, but noticed a little pinkness on the paper when I went to the bathroom. I realized that I must be spotting, and though I knew that some spotting in early pregnancy was normal, I was of course a little bit concerned. I decided to call my doctor's office when they opened (about thirty minutes from then) and to take a shower in the meantime.
As I was getting ready for the shower I felt more blood, what felt like a lot of blood. Sure enough, there it was, plenty of bright red blood, just flowing out. Now I was scared. I put a pad on, and tried to remain calm until 8:30. I called my husband and he left work. When I finally got a hold of the doctor's office they asked me to come in right away so that they could do an ultrasound. Thankfully the baby was OK, but they immediately spotted a good-sized blood clot just above my cervix.
The doctor and nurse explained that the clot increased my chances for miscarriage, but that its placement was not in the most dangerous area that it could be. Being below the baby, the risks were somewhat reduced, so that was good news. The bad news was that there was no guarantee as to how long it would take for the clot to work itself out. The danger (and bleeding) could go on for days or could go on for weeks. Or, it could just stop now and never come back. It was impossible to determine, so we'd just have to wait and see. If the bleeding increased, or if I started to have cramping or pain, it could be a sign of trouble.
I went home freaked out, but hopeful that the clot would just dissolve on it's own. A few hours later I had a little more blood, then a little more, then a little more. The bleeding increased in flow and frequency through the night, stopping around midnight after I passed a big piece of clotted blood. I called the doctor again the next day and we talked out what happened. We decided that it was probably just more of the clot passing and I decided to wait and see how things went before going back in for another check-up. The bleeding continued through Saturday, then lightened up on Sunday. By Monday it had almost cleared up completely.
I was hoping that when I came in the doctor would tell me I had passed the whole clot. No such luck. It's still as big as ever, but thankfully the baby was still ok. In fact, Baby had grown tremendously over the past few days. Seeing Baby again certainly made me feel better. The doctor told us that we could breath again after we pass into the second trimester, since the chance of miscarriage will reduce again by then. For now, I've been told to take it easy as much as I can. So somehow I need to try to keep my stress level low while simultaneously losing weight and not being TOO active. Oh yes, and somehow carry on with normal life.